the caged bird sings.

written, designed, and edited by Bee Butler

February Stars

Bee ButlerComment

My favorite thing about this month: letting myself listen to this song, and feeling my heart explode as Dave Grohl let's loose and bares his soul... "February stars, floating in the dark".

I didn't realize it until just now, when I listened to it for the first time this month (WHY DID I WAIT THIS LONG?!), first the live recording in Vienna in 1997, then the track that was released on the album, but OH MY GOD.

This song could quite literally have been written about my life, right here in this suspended moment. Here, let me show you (annotated, of course):

Hanging on
Here until I'm gone
Just hanging on
(quite literally just hanging on as I wait for myself to heal)

Even though
I watched you come and go
How was I to know
You'd steal the show
(When I visited LA in 2010, I had no idea it would become the place I would forever want to call home)

One day I'll have enough to gamble
I'll wait to hear your final call and bet it all
(Someday, I'm going back, even if it means giving up everything)

Hanging on
Here until I'm gone
Right where I belong
Just hanging on
(I know that right now, here in this house, this chair, this second, that THIS is where I am supposed to be, even as I dream of California)

Even though
I pass this time alone 
Somewhere so unknown 
It heals the soul
(Tomball is a small town and I know no one here. I don't know my way around, and the vastness of Houston makes me feel like I'm in no man's land... but I'm healing here. Right now. I'm finally letting God heal my soul.)

You ask for walls I'll build them higher
We'll lie in shadows of them all
I'd stand but they're much too tall
And I fall
(I'm trying to push California out of my mind for now, because I know I can't go back today, or tomorrow, or next year. I'm trying to come to grips with it, but there is a piece of me that looks headlong at all the obstacles in my way, and it lets go of all reason and falls backward, letting memories and hope crash over me like a tidal wave)

February Stars 
Floating in the dark
Temporary scars
February Stars
(I am where I am right now, with the Texas sky lit up with February stars. The pain I'm feeling right now will leave a mark on me, but it will eventually fade... and right now, in this moment, I'm okay)

My God, and I can't believe I'm saying this, I love my life.

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