the caged bird sings.

written, designed, and edited by Bee Butler

On finding the source.

Bee ButlerComment

Have you ever known someone with a strange little idiosyncrasy, something funny they did, like licking their finger before they turned a page, or clearing their throat a certain way, or muttering some absurd little saying on occasion? Something that you noticed because it was odd or out of place, and it always stuck with you. Then, one day, you meet their parents, or their grandma, or their uncle or older cousin, and BOOM, there it is. The source. The originator (for your friend, at least) of that weird quirk, in all their oddball glory, clearing their throat or muttering that old adage, and you realized, hey, that's why they do it.

Sometimes, that thing is less of an odd little idiosyncrasy and more of an emotional detrimental behavior that both infuriates and terrifies you. Sometimes, it is something you don't know how long you'll be able to bear. Maybe it's something you desperately beg that person to stop, something you point out that they refuse to believe that they do, or something they turn around and blame on you, as if the fucked up thing they repeatedly do is somehow your fault.

You spend so much time analyzing, wondering if you're crazy or if you really are the cause of their problem, and you occasionally have to reassure yourself that this behavior can be dealt with and will go away.

And then, in one life-changing moment, you find their "source", and you realize that not only will they never stop, but there's even a good chance they'll unintentionally pass that trait on to their kid or someone else impressionable, and you realize in that split second that you are truly fucked.


That happened tonight. Someone in my life has a habit that makes me cringe and scream and it is something I have, at length, mulled over and attempted to dissect, only to find out that it was something they picked up from one of their parents. And now, I cannot really see how on earth I was blind enough to think that this was something I could change. 

This behavior is ingrained in my friend's DNA at this point. People our age don't change things like that. Certainly not because someone viewed the way they view me said to. And I know now, without a doubt, that this person can no longer be in my life. And that is so heartbreaking in so many ways. Some part of me always knew that, but I think that this was the nail in a long-closed coffin, and I am at a breaking point I never thought I would see again. I didn't think I would ever say "enough" because of how close we used to be, but this time, I need to love myself more than I love everyone else in my life and say, "Hey, get the fuck away from me and never, ever get close again".

Be careful who you allow into your inner circle. Never ignore your gut feelings. Most of all, meet everybody's parents, because there's a good chance they have some sort of behavior or worldview that they've passed on, and if it's something terrible, you're giving yourself a chance to run before you get to close.

Fuck, man.
I hate growing up.