the caged bird sings.

written, designed, and edited by Bee Butler

These are the posts I hate to write.

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Right before the new year started, I got a job. I was excited about it (and I still am), and was even more overjoyed after I had a blast on my first day. 

Then, as is typical for my body, I got sick. Walking pneumonia sick. Then a kidney infection. As a result, I missed over a week of work, and since it's early in the year and sales are low, I'm not getting any hours right now. I've been told I will soon, but not knowing just makes me anxious and scared.

While I was sick, I was having a lot of trouble breathing. When I addressed it with my doctor, he told me he thought it was panic-related, because my lungs were clearing up. He prescribed me some Xanax to get me through the next few days so that my body would stop freaking out.

That was five days ago, and today is the first day I haven't taken one. And I am miserable. MISERABLE. Depressed, lonely, sad, feeling like I can't accomplish anything, and desperate for something to do. I've been working hard lately to get things going for school, setting up my bank, fixing my credit, and working on my relationship, but after just a few days back on the anti-anxiety meds, I feel like the world is ending. 

This is why I stopped taking it a few months ago. It "chills me out", but it numbs me, too. It robs me of the joy of everyday life. It makes me want to sleep all day and take Tylenol PM every time I wake up so I can just nap my way through life. I am so afraid that it will get worse, so I am getting rid of those pills today.

Tomorrow I'm going to get an appointment set up with a new psychiatrist, because my old/current one has never listened to me and I am sick of being ignored and looked down on. I'm also going to try to find a cheap therapist. I may even buy a month's worth of beginner's dance classes at the learning center here just so I'll have something to look forward to.

This is my life. I want my life to be good. I deserve to be happy, and I am so over letting that be ripped from my hands.

Tonight I'm going to try to relax and see if the boy wants to go out and grab something to eat or see friends, and tomorrow I'm going to jump on that to do list. I'm not falling back into that pit. Not again.