the caged bird sings.

written, designed, and edited by Bee Butler

On diagnoses, drugs, and being a broke kid.

Bee ButlerComment

I developed an eating disorder when I was eleven, and was put on Effexor and Remeron at the same time. Those drugs aren't FDA approved for anyone over eighteen, but hey! Let's allow my brain chemistry and other things to be totally skewed by some quack who doesn't understand that "talk therapy" is the way to go for a child with an IQ of 146 who is depressed. 

I've been on meds ever since, and I wish I could go back and change it, because now my body doesn't produce serotonin on its own in reliable quantities. I've been on benzodiazepines since I was fifteen, and the withdrawal process is something I can't safely go through now without hospital intervention, and I can't afford that, nor do I know that I'd be okay without that. My anxiety fries my brain. 

In the fourteen years since that first diagnosis, I've struggled with an eating disorder that I still don't have a full grip on, but I'm in recovery for the most part. That's supposed to make your body start leveling out. Mine went apeshit instead.

I got diagnosed with Hashimoto's a few weeks ago and found out I'd be on synthetic hormones for the rest of my life, have trouble with conception (if I ever get around to trying that), need bi-monthly blood tests to check T3/T4 levels, and I would have to change my "diet". I still hate the word diet, so I choose to call what I eat FOOD. But now I don't get to when I talk to doctors. One of the side effects of Hashimoto's is inexplicable weight gain. My eating disordered brain (the little piece I haven't quite beat yet) exploded, and I'm terrified of how much I weigh now. It makes it really hard to eat or keep food down, but I'm doing it. On top of that, I've got to cut out all soy and gluten (and no, it's not a quack thing... the molecular makeup of soy and gluten is similar to the output of my thyroid, so my body attacks it... I hate autoimmune diseases) which means giving up a lot of my favorite foods and having to give up vegetarianism. 

I also do not have the stamina or physical ability to work out. Extreme fatigue, joint pain/tearing, muscle and bone pain, and extreme sensitivity to heat mean that even going up a flight of stairs makes everything in my body ache, and breaking a sweat feels like I'm on fire. I would kill to be able to run a mile right now, but I can't even walk a block. Oh, and weight gain, with my genetics, means HUGE BOOBS. I went from a barely-B-cup (before treatment for my eating disorder) to a DDD. My barely-5-foot frame cannot support those things. So my back is continually going out. Add to that the osteoporosis that I developed from my eating disorder, and you have a recipe for fractures in my spine, which is terrifying. I'm constantly having to stop what I'm doing to lay down and take the weight off my back, which means I'm a total blast at parties. 

The worst part, though, is that there is no cure for Hashimoto's. I will be on synthetic hormones for the rest of my life, probably have to stay on the no-gluten-no-soy diet forever as well, and if things don't improve (and after several months of medication, they're just getting worse) I will need surgery to remove my thyroid. I also have to see an endocrinologist with frequency we haven't determined yet, because the amount of tests and treatment options I will have to go through are almost endless right now, and I cannot afford any of that. I don't have a car or a job (those go hand in hand, because Ubering to work depletes any money you would make doing said work) and I also do not have the stamina to be on my feet all day. No money coming in, no bills going out. 


All that leads to having to set up a GoFundMe again. The one I used for my eating disorder treatment helped me complete all three stages of the program I was in, and made my life bearable... until this lovely diagnosis came crashing in. I will also lose my health insurance next April, because I turn 26 and have to come off my family insurance, which has been my saving grace. 


This is terrifying and embarrassing, and I need help. I need monetary support until I can get something going job-wise (most likely freelance writing for awhile) and get a cheap used car, at which point I'll need less help, but even with those two things, I still need to pay for insurance and car insurance and gas and medical bills, and this looks like a never ending hole. I have never been more afraid of what happens next in my life. 

My boyfriend has been a trooper through all of this, but I don't know how much more he can take. Nobody wants an invalid girlfriend with no income. And the emotional toll it's taking on both of us is putting a strain on our relationship that is about to snap us both in half. 

Look, this is so pathetic I can barely do it without gagging, but if you can help, even a single dollar, I would be forever grateful. I'm also recording song requests and sending them out for every donation and offering performances for higher donations, so it isn't so much of a begging issue as it is a very poorly executed song sale.


Hit it if you want.

Until I have good news or at least something funny,