the caged bird sings.

written, designed, and edited by Bee Butler

30 Before 30.

Bee ButlerComment

So there’s always been a bucket list in my head. It runs the gambit of traveling to every continent, to moving to LA, and it will be a lifetime’s full of masterful work.


But here’s the deal.

This is the end of my twenties. 21,22,23,24,25,25,27,28,29…

 
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So now there’s a new list.

  1. Ride in a hot air balloon.

  2. Have a college reunion.

  3. Visit a museum.

  4. Take a roadtrip

  5. Go to a festival

  6. Get a tattoo.

  7. Go to a gig.

  8. Go for afternoon tea.

  9. Visit a spa.

  10. Get a piercing.

  11. Tour my own city.

  12. Go rock climbing.

  13. Join a book club.

  14. Raise money for a charity.

  15. Skydive.

  16. Take dance lessons.

  17. Learn public speaking.

  18. Start a blog.

  19. Write a book.

  20. Learn to get organized.

  21. Take an art class.

  22. Take a yoga class.

  23. Take a business course.

  24. Learn meditation.

  25. Launch a side hustle.

  26. Go on a blind date.

  27. Try a new fitness class.

  28. Be my own boss.

  29. Host a dinner party.

  30. Follow a passion.


I am going to need help.

I’ve tried to keep this as cheap as possible, but I only have ten and a half months in which to do all thirty of these things. If you’d like to help me start crossing things off, please shoot me an email, comment, text me, DM me. I’ll elaborate more on all of this in another post.

For now, HELP ME GET STARTED BY READING THIS.

This is my 30 before 30 bucket list.

Boy, you think that you know me.

Bee ButlerComment
 

I could not give you a more adequate description of my ex if I tried.

“Mr Know It All
Well ya think you know it all
But ya don't know a thing at all
Ain't it something y'all
When somebody tells you something bout you
Think that they know you more than you do
So you take it down another pill to swallow”

Oh my god, I have never met anyone so narcissistic in my LIFE. I once compared him to Stan on American Dad AND HE AGREED WITH ME. He constantly told me things about myself. Things that weren’t true. That’s textbook narcissism, by the way. He made me doubt things that I knew were true. He tried to destabilize me, to alter my perception of things, to make me the villian who deserved comeuppance in EVERY situation.

DO NOT GET ME WRONG HERE, I DID A LOT OF THINGS WRONG IN THAT RELATIONSHIP. A LOT.

However, nothing I could have ever done deserved me being told that my brother “should’ve tried harder if he really wanted to kill himself”. Oh yes. He said that. And I’m sure when he reads this, because SOMEONE in his family reads this and reports back to him (Hi! Thanks for the traffic to my site! It’s creepy that you’re sticking around to read about my life, but go on ahead. This is a public blog and you have every right to be here. You can’t stop me from telling the truth about him, though, so go on ahead and get over that idea), that he’ll deny those words ever came out of his mouth, but he’s a liar. Because he’s a narcissist. He directs the play he so elaborately tries to coordinate, and if things don’t go his way, he will tell you that they did or throw a fit in private at the expense of whoever he happens to blame.

“Mr bring me down
Well ya like to bring me down don't ya
But I ain't laying down, baby
I ain't going down
Can't nobody tell me how it's gonna be
Nobody gonna make a fool out of me
Baby you should know that I lead not follow”


He really didn’t know me at all. He did everything he could to make me feel like I was utterly worthless, and it worked. It worked REALLY WELL. I let him tell me how it was gonna be, because I knew that he was bigger and stronger than me, and he had already proven that he could physically stop me from doing just about anything, so he continued down that vein with words once he’d made his point. He didn’t realize I’d always been a leader. He was the first person I ever kow-towed to. He was the only person who ever made me doubt myself so much that i completely forgot who I was. Well, guess what? I figured it out again.

“Oh you think that you know me, know me
That's why I'm leaving you lonely, lonely
'Cause baby you don't know a thing about me
You don't know a thing about me
You ain't got the right to tell me
When and where to go, no right to tell me
Acting like you own me lately
Yeah baby you don't know a thing about me
You don't know a thing about me”

He didn’t know me at all. He bought me red roses, which, if he knew anything about me (and he should’ve at that point) he would know I hated. He couldn’t tell you my favorite flower. He couldn’t tell you my majors in college. He couldn’t tell you where I’d lived prior to coming to Carlsbad. He couldn’t tell you the full name of any of my family members, even though I could tell you the full names of ALL of his. He didn’t know me on a surface level, which made it easy to dismiss that he didn’t know me at my core. He didn’t know why I believed what I believed, or what had shaped me. He didn’t care. Because he only cares about himself. Present-tense, despite what anybody will say about him. It serves him to have certain people around him, so he treats those people well, or at least well enough to keep them from turning from him.

He also made it WELL known that I was to go nowhere without his explicit permission. He never used those exact words; instead, he threw a fit when I went anywhere. He threatened to leave me for going to a friend’s house. He wanted to know my work schedule well in advance because he wanted to know when I had his permission to leave the house and when I should be back. He made it ABUNDANTLY clear that he didn’t like me going anywhere he didn’t tell me to, and I told the girlfriend of one of his friends that once, and she responded, “Yeah, he was like that with (name redacted, his ex). You really need to end things. You don’t deserve to be treated like that”. THE GIRLFRIEND OF TWO OF HIS FRIENDS TOLD ME TO LEAVE HIM BECAUSE HE WAS ABUSIVE AND HAD BEEN TO OTHER GIRLS IN THE PAST.

I could keep going. This could be the longest post on my website, honestly, but I’m not going to. I’m just posting this to put into perspective something that I’ve needed to for a long time.

I was in an abusive relationship, which was acknowledged by more than one of his family members, and more than one of his family members said he had been that way with his exes. And they told me to leave him, too.

I didn’t, though.

I wanted to stay in California. I wanted our story to be a love story. I wanted him, because he’d made me believe that at one time, he’d wanted me. He once told me he’d planned to propose to me in September of 2015 but that he’d changed his mind after my two-day trip to Texas (cut short because he broke up with me my first night there and I begged to come back until he relented. He went from “I’ll throw all your shit on the lawn” to “I’ll ship your shit back to your mom” and I didn’t like either of those options), and believed him.

How hilarious is that?

He’s with another girl now, which was brought to my attention by someone I won’t name. He finally moved out of his parents’ house, where he paid no rent for two and a half (at least) years, eating their food and hogging their driveway with his enormous truck and the buggy that he wrecked and then bought and fixed up. I’m sure she wouldn’t believe a word of this, because at this point they can’t have been together long enough for him to show who he really is. Or maybe he has. Maybe she’ll read this and go, “Oh my god, it’s not just me”. Or maybe he’ll convince her none of it is true. Maybe she’ll never see it.

He will, though.
And he can’t do a damn thing about it.

Mr. Know It All doesn’t know it all AT ALL.
And I am done covering for him, because I’ve been free for a year, and he no longer has any power over me.
He’d be shocked to know that one of his family members has contacted me recently, but they’ll never admit to it.

I should’ve left the night of our first fight, before we moved in together, because he said horrible things to me. But he’d already told me he loved me and wanted to marry me eventually at that point, and I let it go.

Thank god I learned my lesson and finally quit begging to stay.

I feel sorry for him.
Honestly, I do.
Because he believes he’s the victim in this story.